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illusion never changed into something real

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I got my second tattoo Friday! It says "Beatha Gaire Gra" which mean, Life Laughter Love. It's so beautiful and I'm SO excited to have it!

Oh yeah I really have to write this out. Last week, January 18th to be exact, Gabby's (my other best friend) Grandpa died. I loved Grandpa Frank like he was my own Grandpa, and for her to call me at 10 in the morning sobbing, I automatically knew he was gone (he's been sick for a while) and I lost it. So obviously I was with her the next three days, helping her and her mom out and just being there for them. Well, Wednesday was the wake. Thank God her Uncles were there to ease up the tension and make everything a little better. Humor really does lighten the heart in times of sorrow. But anyways. Gab had told me that her cousin Ryan (the first and only boy i've ever loved..yes LOVE) was going to be there..Well I mean come on, it was his uncle. So sure enough he showed up. But to make matters SO much worse, he brought his fiancee. Now, I don't despise her soley because she is Ryan's fiancee (which by the way: I feel their engagement was so inappropriate and uneccessary that it makes me sick to even think about), but because she's not right for him. He used to be fun and energetic, and now all they do is lay around and watch tv. He wants a big family someday, and she wants maybe one or two kids. He was considering joining the Marines to be a better person and because it was something he always considered, and she jumped to the idea because it meant a GI Bill in the future. Now I'm not saying this because I love him and his family (aka my best friend's family who I've basically been a part of my whole life), but it just twists the knife wound even deeper when I see them together. Knowing that he's making the biggest mistake of his life by becoming engaged to her. And to top it all off, he'd be with me if he lived here. That's simply what hurts the most. Was that in his own words he said, "We'd be together if I lived there, or if you lived here." Just like that. It also doesn't help that they started dating a month after I saw him, and got engaged 6 months after I saw him, so 5 months after dating. WHAT? WHY?
OK OK so back to the wake. As soon as I saw them, I had to go to the bathroom and just cry a little and calm myself down. After that, I went back in and tried to make a beeline for Gabby and her mom, but Ryan caught my arm and gave me a hug and said hey. It sucked so bad. I had noticed though, that Ashley was now in the back of the funeral home sitting alone. For the rest of the wake I didn't see him, but I did sit with his Grandma (who I LOVE) and his aunts. After the wake, at his Aunts (Gab's Grandmas) we all went for food and I casually avoided him and Ashley. After a while, he found me and Gab and sat with us. Now, Gab knows how much I love him and how what Ryan and I had was intense and serious and that he also should not be with Ashley. So she of course helped moved along the conversation. After not only 15 minutes, Ryan and I were acting like we were never seperated. Everything was normal. But the whole time, I saw Ashley sitting about 10 feet away on the couch with one of Ryan's nieces. So in reality, nothing was/is the same. The rest of the night, Gab, Ryan, and I laughed really hard about all our memories and our summers and winters together. We talked about what we want in the future, and how Ryan might actually consider becoming a history teacher. He showed me his Tattoo-in progress and I told him about mine. We discussed him maybe coming to see me at Oswego, which probably won't ever happen... I just miss him so much. I miss our last time together...laying on the fold out couch until 7 in the morning, just the two of us, laughing and talking about absolutely everything until there wasn't anything left to talk about. Just laying half an inch away from him, him leaning over me and me waiting, hoping for him to kiss me. And then him never doing it. Gab and I have had long, sobbing talks about this and I just can't talk about it anymore. It's all talked out. But the sad thing is, I can't stop THINKING about it. It'll never go away. I don't know. It just scares me a little bit...
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But I'm going to leave now before I annoy/depress anyone. So long-Megs

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Well Hello.. [ ]
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Wow. So it's been way over a year since I last wrote in here, so this should definitely be interesting. Nobody's obviously going to be reading this, but what the hell.

I graduated almost two months ago, which was an emotionally draining ordeal. I actually didn't cry, to be honest. But the reason why it was so difficult is because I finally realized I'm most likely never going to be seeing any of those people ever again. Obviously, I'll be keeping in touch with my closest friends, but as for everyone else, see ya! A lot of people are going away to really good colleges, some are even going as far as North Carolina, Florida and Arizona. So kudos to those people! Me? I'm going to SUNY Oswego where I'll be rooming with one of my really good friends, Carly. I'm beyond stoked because I've already met so many amazing people who I definitely see myself being friends with for a very long time. I met most of them at Orientation, where we all just clicked. I've bought about 95% of everything I'll need next year, and I've spent close to $500. I'm not even done. RIDICULOUS MUCH?! Oh well.

Let's see what else. OH! Ryan? The boy who I was basically madly in love with. He's engaged. He's engaged to his ex-girlfriend who's more or less obsessed with him and being with him. He's changed. That's what makes it so hard. He decided against the Marines, THANK YOU GOD, but as far as his future, I'm pretty sure he's going to be a cop. I'm not 100% positive but that's probably what he's going for. So good for him. I haven't talked to him since last June when I saw him for one night. It was the best night of my life though.. It breaks my heart to even think about it. Just being able to lay with him all night and just talk and laugh. It was like only the two of us existed. Then I got a call the next morning from my mom, telling (or actually screaming) at me to get home to help her with something, and forcing me to leave without saying goodbye to Ryan. That was the last time I ever saw him. I saw him lying there sleeping, unable to say goodbye. I never go to say goodbye. And awesome, now I'm sad. Which is actually quite amusing, considering the fact that I haven't thought about him since December 2nd, when he became engaged to her.

MOVING ON PLEASE. In recent news, on Thursday, I ran over an old lady. Now, I'm sure you're sitting there stunned, ready to message me and call me a heartless bitch for putting it so bluntly but let me clarify first. I was turned right onto a bridge, on my way work. I was sitting at the stop sign, looking to the right to see how heavy the traffic was. I then looked to the left for about 5minutes, until there was a break in traffic. When I looked back to the right, I lifted my foot off of the break, and rolled forward into an old lady. I obviously put it in reverse and then park and ran out to help her up. In about 20-25 minutes, everything was over. I talked to the cops, was issued a ticket, and was told to calm down because I was hyperventilating and shaking uncontrollably. The elderly lady was fine, as far as I know because I haven't received a phone call, or warrant for my arrest. The problem is, I'm actually not totally at fault here. I was watching to my right, as much as I could, considering there's a huge overgrown tree that blocks the sidewalk. So either she came from behind the tree, and crossed when she shouldn't have, or she came from the side of my car, and was coming around it, when I knocked her over. More or less, I work for a law firm, so they're taking care of it as we speak and I'm paying for my ticket.

So. After all that, I think that's my life for now. There's obviously many of stories, mostly party stories, and tales of ex-boyfriends getting knocked out by my younger brother, but I'm just going to stop while I'm ahead. Hopefully, I'll update on a later date. A tout-a-l'heure!

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if your already my friend, disregard this
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